In my pocket and my heart.

Here's a look inside my pockets today and the verses I've been dwelling on. I keep getting drawn to the Psalms. I was feeling bad about it because it seems like the Psalms are always so good and nice. I wanted something real, you know--something convicting and harsh I guess. God is good though and knows what my heart really needs.

Last week I came to the verse about the fullness of joy found in His presence and the pleasures forevermore at His right hand. So nice and good. Too nice and good I thought, that's why under that verse on my post-it note I put another verse about fearing the Lord. It seems like I didn't want myself dwelling just on God's goodness. It seemed like eating just candy or something.

Now this Friday I was watching the Bethel Church worship service from last week Sunday (on ibethel.tv)and Bill Johnson started out with a few short words to say. He talked about how some verses are just waiting to be adopted. Verses waiting to be found and captured up into someones heart. One of the verses he used was the verse God brought me to earlier that week. The verse saying, "In Your presence is fullness of joy, at Your right hand are pleasures forevermore."

Wow, I thought. I can actually hear God, and God is actually directing me and I'm not just looking for touchy-feely verses. God is such a good God, such a good Father and He really wants me to know that. From today, "Keep me as the apple of Your eye" David wrote in Psalms. That means he was already the apple of God's eye if he's saying keep me there. I'm already the apple of God's eye right now. That's such a special thing, such an amazing place to be in. That I'm loved and special to God; I cant even understand how I am that. I don't even know what "apple of Your eye" really means.

I just looked it up:
"The original meaning of the apple of your eye is the pupil, or the round black spot in the middle of the eye. It is as if that person's reflection can be seen in the pupil ("apple") of your eye. Example: "Everyone knew they would get married someday. She was always the apple of his eye.""

"The apple of your eye is that person (or thing) that you care for the most. Example: "He sure does love his little boy." Reply: "He's the apple of his eye." Example: "You got me the bracelet I wanted!" Reply: "Yes, I knew it was the apple of your eye.""
goenglish.com, Pocket English Idioms

And there is a confidence building in me when I am in this place of His goodness. There is a healing building in me in this place of His goodness. He's making me whole so He can use me in ways I've never imagined yet.

Closer and closer.

So like I mentioned last time I've been keeping scriptures in my mind through out the day, and I talked about the change it has been making in my mind. It really is amazing. But tonight it was like God asked me a question.

I had to look at the reason why I am doing this. What is my reason for keeping scriptures in my mind through the course of the day? And more importantly why am I on this journey that I am on? Why am I walking the way I am walking right now and not where I was four years ago?

I think my intentions started out right, but somewhere they changed; and in the case of keeping scriptures in my mind, the intentions changed real fast.

I don't like pain. I don't like to have to fight. I don't like to have days that feel like struggles. In my own body I will do anything and find anything to make my life easy for me. What have I been looking for the past four years? What have I been looking for these past two weeks? I'm looking for anything to make me better. I've been looking for something to make me feel better.

I don't want to feel better. I want to know my God intimately! I want to know Him!

I don't want to use the things of God to make myself feel better. I want to use His word, His power, His presence to get closer to Him and to know Him more and more closely and intimately. What else do I need, wouldn't that one thing take care of all this junk?

God.