In my pocket and my heart.

Here's a look inside my pockets today and the verses I've been dwelling on. I keep getting drawn to the Psalms. I was feeling bad about it because it seems like the Psalms are always so good and nice. I wanted something real, you know--something convicting and harsh I guess. God is good though and knows what my heart really needs.

Last week I came to the verse about the fullness of joy found in His presence and the pleasures forevermore at His right hand. So nice and good. Too nice and good I thought, that's why under that verse on my post-it note I put another verse about fearing the Lord. It seems like I didn't want myself dwelling just on God's goodness. It seemed like eating just candy or something.

Now this Friday I was watching the Bethel Church worship service from last week Sunday (on ibethel.tv)and Bill Johnson started out with a few short words to say. He talked about how some verses are just waiting to be adopted. Verses waiting to be found and captured up into someones heart. One of the verses he used was the verse God brought me to earlier that week. The verse saying, "In Your presence is fullness of joy, at Your right hand are pleasures forevermore."

Wow, I thought. I can actually hear God, and God is actually directing me and I'm not just looking for touchy-feely verses. God is such a good God, such a good Father and He really wants me to know that. From today, "Keep me as the apple of Your eye" David wrote in Psalms. That means he was already the apple of God's eye if he's saying keep me there. I'm already the apple of God's eye right now. That's such a special thing, such an amazing place to be in. That I'm loved and special to God; I cant even understand how I am that. I don't even know what "apple of Your eye" really means.

I just looked it up:
"The original meaning of the apple of your eye is the pupil, or the round black spot in the middle of the eye. It is as if that person's reflection can be seen in the pupil ("apple") of your eye. Example: "Everyone knew they would get married someday. She was always the apple of his eye.""

"The apple of your eye is that person (or thing) that you care for the most. Example: "He sure does love his little boy." Reply: "He's the apple of his eye." Example: "You got me the bracelet I wanted!" Reply: "Yes, I knew it was the apple of your eye.""
goenglish.com, Pocket English Idioms

And there is a confidence building in me when I am in this place of His goodness. There is a healing building in me in this place of His goodness. He's making me whole so He can use me in ways I've never imagined yet.

Closer and closer.

So like I mentioned last time I've been keeping scriptures in my mind through out the day, and I talked about the change it has been making in my mind. It really is amazing. But tonight it was like God asked me a question.

I had to look at the reason why I am doing this. What is my reason for keeping scriptures in my mind through the course of the day? And more importantly why am I on this journey that I am on? Why am I walking the way I am walking right now and not where I was four years ago?

I think my intentions started out right, but somewhere they changed; and in the case of keeping scriptures in my mind, the intentions changed real fast.

I don't like pain. I don't like to have to fight. I don't like to have days that feel like struggles. In my own body I will do anything and find anything to make my life easy for me. What have I been looking for the past four years? What have I been looking for these past two weeks? I'm looking for anything to make me better. I've been looking for something to make me feel better.

I don't want to feel better. I want to know my God intimately! I want to know Him!

I don't want to use the things of God to make myself feel better. I want to use His word, His power, His presence to get closer to Him and to know Him more and more closely and intimately. What else do I need, wouldn't that one thing take care of all this junk?

God.

Words kept.

"The words of the Lord are pure words, like silver tried in a furnace of earth, purified seven times. You shall keep them O Lord. You shall preserve them from this generation forever." Psm. 12:6-7

This past week I've been trying to take a verse or section of verses in the morning and keep them in my head all day. The change it made in me this week was amazing. My whole mind feels so free and clear. I can't stop meditating on this one though. It's been a few days, and I'm not sure if its me being lazy to find another verese that speaks to my whole body as much as this one, or if God just wants me to sit and stay on this for longer.

Pure. Pure like silver purified seven times. Can anything be more perfect than that kind of silver? Can anything be more perfect than those words of my Father? How valuable they are to me. Pure, perfect, valuable words from my God.


You shall keep them.


What else can you say about that, about Him keeping His words? Man. I think that's where the true value comes from. That those true, perfect words are actually going to come to pass. Those words that I am holding onto, His words that give life, His words that get me through the day, they're more than just words they're His promises to me. He will keep them. Just blows my mind.

Good.

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks recieves, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. Or what man is there among you who, if his son asks for bread will give him a stone. Or if he asks for a fish, will he give him a serpent? If you then being evil know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good gifts to those who ask Him!" -Jesus, Matt. 7:7-11

When I ask Him He gives.

When I seek I'll find.

When I knock it gets opened.

My Father God has good gifts for me.

This is my invitation to ask. He wants me to ask. He really whants me to ask Him for what I need. He will hear. Its not me asking when I'm in need and He's like, "yeah, ok I guess, whatever." I'm not a burden to Him. No, He wants me to ask; He says ask.

I am His son and He's not finished with me yet. I'm asking for whole healing, not half way. He promised, I'm asking, and He says "yes and amen!"

You wont relent until You have it all

Last night at worship we sang the song 'You wont relent.' This year we used that song to create human video/drama/movies at camp. There were some amazing and powerful videos. Anyway, while singing the song I got a movie idea of my life like those. I guess you could say it could be a vision. 

In the movie I was going through life like I have been the past few years. But here in the movie I was holding my heart in my hands and in certain situations I was tearing chunks of it off piece by piece. It was leaving my hands bloody and pieces of my heart missing. And the blood wouldn't come off my hands. All I could do was wipe it on my shirt, but that didn't help either. Slowly I was giving my heart away.

I just graduated from college in May, and I'm just starting to see what a tole it took on my life. People keep asking me, "What are you doing now, what will you be doing?" My responses are always a bit different, but right now I'm purposefully not jumping into a career because I want my heart back. I'm not actively looking for a job because I need this time to just get rejuvenated and healed up. I've made mistakes, but thank you Lord I can move foreword. So the past few weeks have been really awesome and I have been getting my heart back. I'm rediscovering my Jesus even though I never lost Him. I'm falling deeper in love with Him.

So in this movie I saw myself taking the steps to get the pieces of my heart back and I got them all. "Now what Lord?" I'm getting my heart back but what do I do next? 

He wants them. The Lord wants all of my heart back. So I hand over the torn bloody chunks of my heart to my Father and He takes them. But He isn't done. He takes a towel and wipes my hands clean of the blood I couldn't remove. Then He gives me a new clean robe to replace my bloody hand-smeared shirt.

What else can I say? How can I go back to living the same way after that?

 

Trials.

I've been seeing a commercial lately about those steamed, microwavable dinners. The ones where they make it look like there is a whole kitchen and team of chefs inside the bag that you put in the microwave; they look pretty good. Then they say "Cook a delicious meal... without even cooking at all!"

Cook a meal without cooking. Wouldn't it be awesome if everything was like that? Write a paper without writing, read a book without reading, grow without growing.

I'm not even sure what I am trying to write, but I know I keep getting reminded of the Book of James and how he talks about trials in our lives. How when we go through trials to count it as joy. Count it as joy because that testing of our faith produces endurance/perseverance/patience, and that patience leads to maturity, perfect/complete/lacking nothing.

I so want to be mature in the Lord and to be the man He sees in me. I want to be walking without fear in all the things He has planned for me. I want to be joined to the Lord and be one spirit with Him. God is too good though to just throw me in the microwave and call me good. I cannot understand the things He is bringing me though, but James says I can ask God for wisdom and He will give it.

Trials bring growth.

God gives wisdom for trials.

God's grace is sufficient for me.

His strength is made perfect in my weakness.

I am not my own because I have been bought at a price.

This is a crazy time, but it is so good. It is a hard time, but I'm sick of worrying and not embracing it. Joy because I'm not who I was! Joy because I can be joined to the Lord! Joy because I can have less of me and more of Him! Joy because He is becoming more and more of my rock and foundation! Joy because the battle belongs to the Lord! Joy because He is bringing a hope and future! Joy because trials hurt, but His promises are yes and amen! Joy because He is my Father! Joy because I have a chance to become more like Him!

Times.

Live Borderless, LG

Thought this was pretty amazing, so good.

This and that.

When it snows for the first time // I go out to catch it on my tongue.

When I don't know how to spell tongue // I try every possible way to spell it until I get the definition and the right word.

When Ronald McDonald comes into work at 7am, busting though the door practically yelling and I'm still half asleep and he has a bright white face with bright red hair // My heart skips a beat and jumps out of my chest, then I just have to laugh.

When my allergies and nasty nose try to come back // I remember I'm healed and I use my Netti Pot to wash my sinuses. 

When I forget how close God is // I mess up.

I am so in need of my Jesus. He says when I seek Him // I will find Him. 

This has been a crazy last few months and it seems like I don't remember what seeking God means. It sounds crazy because I love my God and I have given Him my everything. What else can I do? I guess actually give Him everything, not just say that I have to sound good or make myself feel better, or say it one week and take it back the next.

He is so jealous for me and wants all of me. All. Even the parts I don't know how to give.

myself // death

Jesus // the way, the truth, and the life.

Promises.

I worked this morning at 6:30am. When I get into town it's always still dark and that makes working all the harder. The only thing that makes getting up that early and going to work worthwhile is the hope of a sunrise out the store's windows. This morning I saw an orange strip of light forming and I knew it was going to be a good one.

In between orders I watched as the eastern sky got more and more bright: orange, purple, yellow. It was truly the most amazing sunset I have ever seen all the mornings I've worked or awakened early. It's things like that that are a kiss from God--so special. And when I couldn't think it could get any better, the entire sky was starting to turn orange. Every cloud I could see was covered in the warm glow.  And then when I thought it couldn't get any better than that, I started to see a rainbow forming in the west. It wasn't even raining or had been raining yet this morning and here was a huge rainbow growing longer and longer in the orange sky.

Five minutes later it was gone, ten after that the sky was gray.

My Father loves me even when He knows I'm about to spit in His face and still gives me good gifts. My Father keeps His promises even when I can't see them and end up breaking mine.

I can't understand it.

People need people.

Last night I had the perfect idea to save some money, I would cut my own hair! Genius! So today after work I got out the scissors and the trimmer. I started with the scissors trimming my hair around the edges; it was looking really good. Then I thought I would clean it up a bit and use the trimmer; it started looking not so good! I cut the hair on my right side way too short. Knowing I was only making things worse, I decided to yell upstairs to my mom to help me. 

All I could do was laugh and not get angry at myself. Normally when things don't go my way I tend to get really angry. Most people who know me would say I'm hardly ever angry, but this is an inside anger. Anyways, I didn't get mad at the situation like my typical response, but I took the opportunity to try to find what God was wanting  to show me (I just was reading about that in The Way of the Wild Heart by John Eldredge).

What I found was I need people. 

I know that I need people in my life; I've been already finding that out as I grow up. But this was different. It's really hard for me to ask for help and most of the time it's hard to allow people into my life. I'm finding it's a necessity though. I know I cant make it though this life alone and that's becoming more and more real to me. Times like this give God the chance to heal that part of me.

So now I have another really short haircut, it's ok though because I really like it thanks to my mom.

Something worth fighting for.

I have this song by Shawn Mcdonald that I just love. Someday I want to play it at my wedding reception for my first dance with my future wife. Every time I hear it, it makes me think about that part of my future. The song always puts back some hope into that part of my life too, a remembrance to keep fighting and to keep pushing forward.

If I want something bad enough, I know I need to fight for it and sometimes I forget about that. I forget how much of a fight fighting is. I forget I'm in a war for my soul that I cant see, that there is a real enemy who wants me to quit and die. I also forget how much of a victory I have in Jesus Christ.

The choices I make in life are either going to move me forward in the Lord or not. Am I going to do my part and fight for the dreams and passions the Lord put in my heart or am I going to forget that there is more to my life than just myself?

I cannot sing you a song
about what happens when you're gone
my whole world seems to fall
and I don't feel like myself at all

I must confess that its true
that I'm nothing without you
We are two souls turned into one
cuz without you I feel undone

I cannot sing you a song
about what happens when your gone
everything around comes crashing down
I find myself on the ground

Shawn Mcdonald, Ripen, Confess -- right now a love song to my Lord.

Hearing God in campfires and rainy nights.

The beginning of this week I took off time from work to start a Wilderness Week. I wanted a time by myself to try to get centered back with God. I packed up my tent, canopy and a bunch of food and walked across the lake to set up camp. I'm finding I'm most at home with God in the outdoors, it's where I feel closest to Him.

The morning had been rainy but now it was all clear and I knew I would have no problem starting a fire. I had everything perfect: pine needles, twigs, branches all in the perfect pile. With one match the fire took off perfectly. There is such a satisfaction in creating a fire, especially a nice one. I left to grab a few more dead branches to have ready for later, but when I came back to my fire all that was left was a smoldering pile of ash surrounded by a tee-pee of black branches. My perfect fire was pretty much out.

I tried for over an hour to get the fire back to a healthy state of burning alone. All I could do was try to add more needles and twigs and blow my lungs out. The fire was fine for a bit while I was blowing on it, but when I stopped all it did was smoke. My whole childhood was spent around camp fires and there was no reason why I would have this much trouble making it work.
I've been finding that when something keeps happening over and over there is usually something God is trying to tell me.

God what do you want to show me? I know in my life I want to live in a place of closeness with God, to have Him breathe His breath of life into me. I want to live the abundant life that Jesus promised. I know I need His breath of life, I cant live by my own strength.

But am I like this fire? Going to God for His breath of life one day and the next finding myself dead and in a place of coldness? That's not abundant life. I'm not sure what God is trying to show me here, but I'm finding I am in constant need my Lord.

That night as I was getting ready for bed I started to feel a few rain drops. Knowing that a larger storm was coming I took my tent, my super small leaky dome tent, and put it under the canopy for the night. As I was inside almost asleep it began to pour. Even though my tent leaks I was able to sleep in peace; all of the heavy rain was hitting the larger canopy above me leaving me safe and dry.

What a picture of my life. When I feel the first few drops of an incoming storm where do I run? The Lord promises rest under the shadow of His wings and protection for my tattered, leaky life. The storms and certain situations in my life are too heavy for myself and yet I think I can handle them myself. I am so in need of my God, a God who is so much wiser and stronger and loving than me.