healing.

Havent wrote here in a long time...again. Things are really good though.

Dont really know what to write, so this really wont be in a neat, tidy post.

So God has been changing me so much since SALT and my last blog. I cant really put it into words. All I know is knowing God as a Father is huge, trying to be know by people and knowing people is huge, relationships are huge, staying in pain long enough to learn from it is huge.

The blog here, Purity Pursuit, is amazing and I found this post that really spoke to me. The whole site is SO amazing.

http://puritypursuit.blogspot.com/2009/07/judging-intimacy.html


Yeah, not even sure what to write right now, so good.

thoughts.

So one thing I wonder, now that I linked this to my facebook, does that mean an update will be sent to every ones wall saying I put a new post? I don't know if I want that...

Well, it has been a long time since writing here. I think like two months, dang. So much has been happening in my life that I didn't even know what to write or really have time to write. But tonight I'm having a cup of peaceful cocoa waiting for the washing machine to finish and just feel like writing.

I think the biggest thing to happen since I last wrote was SALT. SALT is a huge regional conference for Chi Alpha campus ministries. A group of us drove down to Sioux Falls. The roads there were horrible and we had to spend an unexpected but blessed night in Redwood falls. Our campus pastors have strong roots there and it was great to see into their history so to say. Lots of amazing people there. The whole trip was a trip of amazing people. We all grew so close and had such a great time together and we all came back different people.

There was like over 400 young adults all desperately in love with Jesus. It was amazing and so beautiful.

I'm not even sure what to write. I'm not even sure what "got" from the weekend, but I know I'm different. I know I need my Jesus and my Father and now I've been seeing how much I also need the body of Christ. I need these people around me, I need people. I always thought that was a bad thing. But it's not. I'm just so afraid of being that "needy person." You know, that person that "sucks the life out of you." I've heard people describe people that way and it scared me. It scared me a huge amount. Just another thing that keeps me from getting close to people and that's really bad for me. But my God is huge, come on! I don't like that lie and that label and I don't want that fear keeping me from healing. I don't know.

Also my whole spirit left stronger, like everything that was holding me back from living and freedom and abundant life was gone. I have never felt so strong and at peace in my own body. Like I really felt freedom and peace in my body once I was home and that is huge. I am so needy for my God. I need Him so much.

I need Him so much as a Father. Ive knew it before but I really want to have it sealed on my heart. Because there was a peace there that I so desperately want that I got a taste of. A peace more real than the peace you get from a cup of warm cocoa. A peace more whole than a canoe ride with no worries floating in your mind of what you left at home to work on. You know, a place of rest and total security in the arms of Father God. Sitting on His lap tight in His arms with my head on his chest as He whispers and sings His songs of love over me. And in that place of real love a place of no fear or wanting of lesser things. I hate lesser things. These lesser things suck.

I want my Father and to know God like that. I want the good things He has for me, cause He really does have them. I want that peace. I want His green pastures. I Want Him so bad.

In my pocket and my heart.

Here's a look inside my pockets today and the verses I've been dwelling on. I keep getting drawn to the Psalms. I was feeling bad about it because it seems like the Psalms are always so good and nice. I wanted something real, you know--something convicting and harsh I guess. God is good though and knows what my heart really needs.

Last week I came to the verse about the fullness of joy found in His presence and the pleasures forevermore at His right hand. So nice and good. Too nice and good I thought, that's why under that verse on my post-it note I put another verse about fearing the Lord. It seems like I didn't want myself dwelling just on God's goodness. It seemed like eating just candy or something.

Now this Friday I was watching the Bethel Church worship service from last week Sunday (on ibethel.tv)and Bill Johnson started out with a few short words to say. He talked about how some verses are just waiting to be adopted. Verses waiting to be found and captured up into someones heart. One of the verses he used was the verse God brought me to earlier that week. The verse saying, "In Your presence is fullness of joy, at Your right hand are pleasures forevermore."

Wow, I thought. I can actually hear God, and God is actually directing me and I'm not just looking for touchy-feely verses. God is such a good God, such a good Father and He really wants me to know that. From today, "Keep me as the apple of Your eye" David wrote in Psalms. That means he was already the apple of God's eye if he's saying keep me there. I'm already the apple of God's eye right now. That's such a special thing, such an amazing place to be in. That I'm loved and special to God; I cant even understand how I am that. I don't even know what "apple of Your eye" really means.

I just looked it up:
"The original meaning of the apple of your eye is the pupil, or the round black spot in the middle of the eye. It is as if that person's reflection can be seen in the pupil ("apple") of your eye. Example: "Everyone knew they would get married someday. She was always the apple of his eye.""

"The apple of your eye is that person (or thing) that you care for the most. Example: "He sure does love his little boy." Reply: "He's the apple of his eye." Example: "You got me the bracelet I wanted!" Reply: "Yes, I knew it was the apple of your eye.""
goenglish.com, Pocket English Idioms

And there is a confidence building in me when I am in this place of His goodness. There is a healing building in me in this place of His goodness. He's making me whole so He can use me in ways I've never imagined yet.

Closer and closer.

So like I mentioned last time I've been keeping scriptures in my mind through out the day, and I talked about the change it has been making in my mind. It really is amazing. But tonight it was like God asked me a question.

I had to look at the reason why I am doing this. What is my reason for keeping scriptures in my mind through the course of the day? And more importantly why am I on this journey that I am on? Why am I walking the way I am walking right now and not where I was four years ago?

I think my intentions started out right, but somewhere they changed; and in the case of keeping scriptures in my mind, the intentions changed real fast.

I don't like pain. I don't like to have to fight. I don't like to have days that feel like struggles. In my own body I will do anything and find anything to make my life easy for me. What have I been looking for the past four years? What have I been looking for these past two weeks? I'm looking for anything to make me better. I've been looking for something to make me feel better.

I don't want to feel better. I want to know my God intimately! I want to know Him!

I don't want to use the things of God to make myself feel better. I want to use His word, His power, His presence to get closer to Him and to know Him more and more closely and intimately. What else do I need, wouldn't that one thing take care of all this junk?

God.

Words kept.

"The words of the Lord are pure words, like silver tried in a furnace of earth, purified seven times. You shall keep them O Lord. You shall preserve them from this generation forever." Psm. 12:6-7

This past week I've been trying to take a verse or section of verses in the morning and keep them in my head all day. The change it made in me this week was amazing. My whole mind feels so free and clear. I can't stop meditating on this one though. It's been a few days, and I'm not sure if its me being lazy to find another verese that speaks to my whole body as much as this one, or if God just wants me to sit and stay on this for longer.

Pure. Pure like silver purified seven times. Can anything be more perfect than that kind of silver? Can anything be more perfect than those words of my Father? How valuable they are to me. Pure, perfect, valuable words from my God.


You shall keep them.


What else can you say about that, about Him keeping His words? Man. I think that's where the true value comes from. That those true, perfect words are actually going to come to pass. Those words that I am holding onto, His words that give life, His words that get me through the day, they're more than just words they're His promises to me. He will keep them. Just blows my mind.

Good.

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks recieves, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. Or what man is there among you who, if his son asks for bread will give him a stone. Or if he asks for a fish, will he give him a serpent? If you then being evil know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good gifts to those who ask Him!" -Jesus, Matt. 7:7-11

When I ask Him He gives.

When I seek I'll find.

When I knock it gets opened.

My Father God has good gifts for me.

This is my invitation to ask. He wants me to ask. He really whants me to ask Him for what I need. He will hear. Its not me asking when I'm in need and He's like, "yeah, ok I guess, whatever." I'm not a burden to Him. No, He wants me to ask; He says ask.

I am His son and He's not finished with me yet. I'm asking for whole healing, not half way. He promised, I'm asking, and He says "yes and amen!"

You wont relent until You have it all

Last night at worship we sang the song 'You wont relent.' This year we used that song to create human video/drama/movies at camp. There were some amazing and powerful videos. Anyway, while singing the song I got a movie idea of my life like those. I guess you could say it could be a vision. 

In the movie I was going through life like I have been the past few years. But here in the movie I was holding my heart in my hands and in certain situations I was tearing chunks of it off piece by piece. It was leaving my hands bloody and pieces of my heart missing. And the blood wouldn't come off my hands. All I could do was wipe it on my shirt, but that didn't help either. Slowly I was giving my heart away.

I just graduated from college in May, and I'm just starting to see what a tole it took on my life. People keep asking me, "What are you doing now, what will you be doing?" My responses are always a bit different, but right now I'm purposefully not jumping into a career because I want my heart back. I'm not actively looking for a job because I need this time to just get rejuvenated and healed up. I've made mistakes, but thank you Lord I can move foreword. So the past few weeks have been really awesome and I have been getting my heart back. I'm rediscovering my Jesus even though I never lost Him. I'm falling deeper in love with Him.

So in this movie I saw myself taking the steps to get the pieces of my heart back and I got them all. "Now what Lord?" I'm getting my heart back but what do I do next? 

He wants them. The Lord wants all of my heart back. So I hand over the torn bloody chunks of my heart to my Father and He takes them. But He isn't done. He takes a towel and wipes my hands clean of the blood I couldn't remove. Then He gives me a new clean robe to replace my bloody hand-smeared shirt.

What else can I say? How can I go back to living the same way after that?